ALEX TREBEK: Welcome to our candidates, from right to left in more ways than one: President Donald Trump and former Vice-President Joe Biden. Our categories are COVID, Russia, Immigration, Wall Street and The Apprentice. As always, remember that all answers should be in the form of a question. Good luck to you both as we begin our first Presidential Candidate Jeopardy! Vice-President Biden, since we start in alphabetical order, you go first.
TRUMP (Eagerly): I’ll take The Apprentice for…
TREBEK: No, sir. Remember what I said: alphabetical order.
TRUMP (Scowling): “D” for Donald comes before “J” for Joe. Your brain is weak, Trebek!
TREBEK: I will ask you to be quiet sir. Surname order prevails here.
TRUMP (Looking around quizzically): “Sir Name”? Who the hell is he?
TREBEK: Please start us off, Mr. Biden.
BIDEN (Smiling): Wall Street for $1,000, Alex.
TREBEK (Reading): This derivative precipitated the stock market collapse of 2008.
BIDEN (Smiling confidently): Who is Michael Douglas.
TREBEK: That is not correct. Remember, we are looking for a derivative, not a person.
BIDEN (Perplexed): But isn’t Michael Douglas a derivative of Kirk Douglas?
TREBEK: Michael Douglas did not cause the collapse of the stock market, sir!
BIDEN (Seriously): No, but his character Gordon Gekko probably did.
TREBEK: President Trump? Would you like to give it a try?
TRUMP (Eagerly): Yeah, give me The Apprentice for…
TREBEK: No sir. If you have no answer, Mr. Biden begins again…No? All right, and the answer we were looking for is Credit Default Swap.
TRUMP (Scowling): I’d like to swap you, Trebek! This thing is rigged!
TREBEK: Please select a category, Mr. Vice President.
BIDEN (Affably): I have a pretty good DVD collection, so I’ll take Columbia Videos for $500.
TREBEK (Puzzled): That is not a category, sir.
BIDEN (Pointing): Sure it is, right there on the left: CO-VID, short for Columbia Videos.
TREBEK: Sir, COVID is an acronym for Corona Virus Disease.
BIDEN (Smiling): Darn! All right, I’ll take COVIDs for $500 then.
TREBEK: Very well then. This N.I.H. doctor is the country’s top infectious disease expert.
BIDEN (Smiling): That’s easy. Who is Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
TREBEK: No, Dr. Gupta is with CNN, not the National Institute of Health. President Trump?
TRUMP (Eagerly): Finally! I’ll take The Apprentice for…
TREBEK: No, no, no! Would you like to name our top infectious disease expert?
TRUMP (Exasperated): Of course I’d like to name a new expert, but I can’t fire that Wop – he’s got civil service protection. I’d like to name my Jew doctor back in New York, Dr. Harold Bornstein. Hell of a doctor when he’s not counting his money.
TREBEK (Angrily): No! The answer is Dr. Anthony Fauci and I’ll remind you not to use derogatory language on this show, sir! We have many children who are watching.
TRUMP (Loudly): Who cares about children! This show is a disgrace! You can’t abdicate my free speech!
TREBEK: You go again, Mr. Biden.
BIDEN: All right, Jill tells me I’ve got a good imagination, so I’ll take Imagination for $1,000.
TREBEK: That’s not “Imagination,” it’s “Immigration.”
TRUMP (Shouting at Biden): Next time, bring binoculars, you jerk!
BIDEN (Ignoring Trump, squinting as he cranes his neck toward the board): OK, I’ll take your word for it, Alex. Give me Immigration for $50.
TREBEK: All right, this island in New York Harbor was the landing place for 12 million immigrants between 1892 and 1954.
BIDEN (Confidently): Alex, that’s my favorite island in all the world. Such a bright beacon of diversity, acceptance and…
TREBEK (Cutting him off): Your answer please, Mr. Vice-President.
BIDEN (Confidently): Manhattan island, of course.
TREBEK: No. (Incredulous, he turns to Trump) Would you like to try?
TRUMP (Smirks): Of course. Staten Island – I carried it in 2016 despite a million illegal immigrant votes for crooked Hillary.
TREBEK: No, God no. Audience?
AUDIENCE (Shouting through their masks): Long Island!
TREBEK (Shaken): Oh my God. I need a break.
Commercial airs, advertising survivalist gear.
TREBEK (Standing six feet from Biden podium): All right, let’s talk briefly with the candidates about the charity to which they will donate their winnings today. Mr. Vice-President?
BIDEN (Seriously): Alex, in loving memory of my son, Beau, I’m donating my winnings to the Cancer Research Institute, one of the top-rated charities, located in New York City.
TREBEK (Moved): Mr. Vice-President, as someone who’s been battling pancreatic cancer myself for the past two years, thank you very much on behalf of all of us. Now let’s visit with the President. (Walks over to stand socially distanced from the Trump podium) Mr. President, which charity have you selected?
TRUMP (Talking to the wrong camera): As most of America knows, and by that I mean the good parts of America, not the carnage parts where Blacks, angry at the Democrats for addicting them to crack and food stamps, are taking to the streets with foreigners and hipsters to shoot cops, nuns and nurses in the back as they run toward the suburbs…
TREBEK (Sighing): Mr. President, as we discussed before the show, this is an apolitical charity event, not an opportunity for you to campaign, so please, just tell us the charity you’ve selected.
TRUMP (Scowling at Trebek): That’s a terrible thing to say. Why don’t you come closer to me, Trebek, so I can spit on you and your underlying condition. And it isn’t pancake cancer, Trebek! No, it’s your left-wing symphonies for outside agitators who…
TREBEK: Sir, we will cut your microphone if you persist. Please just name the charity!
TRUMP (Talking to the wrong camera again): As most of America knows, Trebek, my hotels have taken a terrible beating because of the scaredy-cat Dem governors closing down the cities so Antifa can inflect carnage on fleeing whites. Therefore I’m proudly giving to the Tunnel to the Trump Tower Go Fund Me page. On my birthday every year, thousands of Trump lovers will race from the Manhattan exit from the Queens Midtown Tunnel – the link to my home borough – all the way to my 5th Avenue Tower, a distance very long, so much longer than races that are run, very distance-y. So by donating to this charity, you will ensure that Trump Tower won’t be sold and will remain as your inspirational destination, year after year.
TREBEK: Mr. President, that’s a very short distance, a mile or two at most.
TRUMP (Dismissively): I’m told it’s one of the best distances ever. That’s what people are saying, so we’ll see what happens.
BIDEN (Confidently): Alex, it sounds like another Trump scam to me, but it won’t matter because I’m gonna win.
TRUMP (Removing handgun from his jacket pocket): I think I’ll exercise my 2nd Amendment rights now.
Trump shoots Trebek and Biden multiple times in the head.
TRUMP (To camera): Well, this ain’t 5th Avenue, but I think you get the picture. I win again. (To audience) Now take those masks off, you cowards! Breathe free and die!
Militia members storm stage, brandishing AR15 rifles, shouting “LIBERATE JEOPARDY.”
NOTE TO READERS: Vote early & often!