As the reign of the Anti-Christ mercifully nears its end, how else will 2020 be remembered? The pandemic, of course. 23,000+ New Yorkers dead. Hundreds of infected Red Hookers. A new Depression. George Floyd. Rage against the machine. The Pentagon confirms UFOs exist… What? UFOs exist!? Yeah, and it was barely news for ten minutes.
Like many other thoughtful well-groomed above-average Americans, I’m wondering if something odd is happening. And I’m not talking about our precious bodily fluids. Whether it’s the collective unconscious gone wild, visitors from another realm, or some Earth-bound power flashing incomprehensibly fancy toys, there does seem to be a strangeness uptick in the wild blue yonder. Navy brass and the Senate Intelligence Committee now feel the same way and as I write this, the paranormal Twitterverse is rumbling with talk of an imminent New York Times piece on “meta materials” recovered from (GULP!) crashed flying saucers.
Not to brag or anything, but I was already hip to all this because the Mutual UFO Network (MUFON) invited me to a conference on flying saucers last year. Sure, they also invited the thousands of other UFO-obsessed civilians on their free monthly email list, but still. And to keep out the riff-raff, the Las Vegas shindig only cost hundreds of dollars to attend.
One of the speakers was a retired Temple University history professor named David Jacobs. He’s written a number of books about outer space beings abducting citizens. His last work, Walking Among Us: The Alien Plan to Control Humanity, was quite a page-turner: Jacobs reported that after hypnotizing these abductees, they gabbed about space aliens starting to rent apartments in urban centers (usually studios, and they’re willing to pay three-month deposits if there are washers/dryers in the basement). But since these new guys in town are all Hubrids – defined by Jacobs as human hybrids, the product of forcibly-extracted sperm and ova conjoined in alien vats, then raised on sterile human-less spaceships – they are all socially inept, sort of on the spectrum.
Unexpectedly, the alien plan to take over the world had hit a snag. But wait! Why not enslave the legion of abductees to help their offspring adapt to life in the big city? Brilliant! And so it came to pass in Jacobs’ recounting, that mind-controlled humans accompanied their young adult Hubrids to Ikea late in the day and 7-11’s after midnight to teach them shopping, furniture placement, Slurpee ordering, shoelace tying, and how to make their beds.
Of course, all this was pre-pandemic, so we don’t know if the Hubrids are pro or anti mask.
Then one night I heard a Podcast about Jacobs’ talk at that MUFON conference I couldn’t afford to attend. Although the fate of our planet hung in the balance unless these monsters could be exposed and stopped, Jacobs never considered monitoring the abductees on their nightly sojourns because he wasn’t “technically gifted.” Well, maybe it was the fog of my COVID recovery, the collapse of the economy, a picture of Trump playing golf while Rome burned or simply advancing dementia. But I was mad as hell and wasn’t gonna take it anymore!
Drawing on my extensive research for thrillers that THE MAN won’t publish because they’re just too woke (or just possibly because they suck), I fired off an email to MUFON advising them how to legally surveil Jacobs and/or his clients and canceled my free email subscription. I knew it was a high price to pay, not knowing how many UFOs were being seen in Vermont each month but damn it, somebody’s gotta say enough is enough! And just to show how truly woke I am, my instructions implicitly stated that since the space aliens were by definition undocumented, I would not participate in any action to inform ICE. Instead, given the massive kidnapping scheme, I urged FBI involvement.
Surprisingly, I was then entreated to contribute to a huuuuuuuuuuge forthcoming MUFON compilation, tentatively entitled, “The Great Questions of Our Time About What The Aliens Really Want Besides More Hubrids.” But first I had to review contributions from other great intellects, seeing as how I could write complete sentences and all. Since I am constitutionally unable to resist flattery, I soon found myself wading into documents sharing a singular belief that ETs walk among us.
Yes, the Hubrids had finally learned how to make their beds, tie their shoes, and fasten their bras. In fact some were probably Fox News anchors. But unlike Jacobs and his enslaved patients, the MUFON essayists, who tended to live west of the Mississippi, all viewed the ETs as benevolent. The Brooklyn-born UFO pundit Richard Dolan, a Jacobs defender who believes our government knocked down the World Trade Center, has attributed this difference of opinion to an East Coast vs. West Coast sensibility issue. Sort of like Biggie vs. Tupac.
Unfortunately, all the essays I reviewed were so disconnected from my space-time continuum, I began to feel as if I had ventured into a delusional realm…
Mr. S opened with a 420-word all caps shout, ending with: “MAKE YOUR CALLS NOW FOR HAPPY HOMES FOR THESE INCOMING SOULS.” We are then assured that Earth has been offered help from other planets because “there is no other discord in the universe.” Obviously.
Mr. K insisted spaceships frequent missile bases to prevent a nuclear holocaust because gosh darn it, they live here too, “in the waters off Puerto Rico, in northern California, in Dulce, New Mexico, Italy, Antarctica and many other [places].” Mr. K then introduces Corey Goode, a self-identified “intuitive empath whistleblower” who served for 20 years as an Earth representative to a “Super Federation” of “40 to 60” ET groups. What? Despite constant interaction with all these aliens, he never put out a sign-in sheet to take an exact headcount? Come on, man! Another source for Mr. K is Michael Salla, a diplomacy scholar who was bounced from American University some 20 years ago after advising students to study his “exopolitical works” in order to better communicate with 150,000 outer space neighbors in America alone, per his Corey Goode-inspired monograph, The US Navy’s Secret Space Program and Nordic Extraterrestrial Alliance…That’s right: Nordic. Deal with it.
Ms. H supported Corey Goode’s whistleblowing about “a Federation of Space-Faring worlds,” or as she referred to it on twenty-three occasions, the “GalacFed.” But she lamented the human lack of hyperdimensional semantic energy or “FTL Syg-Energy,” reducing concepts she invents to acronyms or fore-shortened phrases to give them an air of legitimacy. Sort of like MAGA. By the way, for those who want to follow up, a recent paper by Ms. H was published in the PreSpacetime Journal, edited by Dr. Huping Hu, who also founded the “Sciurch of Scientific GOD,” with a URL of “God.cool.” I wandered through Dr. Hu’s many websites but could find no explanation of the word “Sciurch,” so discuss among yourselves…
Little remembered now, there was a 1988 FoxTV special, UFO COVERUP! LIVE, that featured an anonymous Air Force intelligence officer in a mask. Was he traveling back from the future to warn us about COVID? Hard to say but he insisted aliens could be identified by looking for shoppers who bought Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream. Nobody mentioned that approach in the MUFON essays. Yet another sad indication of the growing distrust of our government.
Anyway, I’m getting a job bagging groceries at Associated over on Lorraine Street now that Fairway is toast. When some strawberry Häagen-Dazs gets rung up, I’ll engage the customer in GalacFed talk, admit I’m a member of the Sciurch of Scientific God blessed with Syg-Energy, and ask point blank: “Are you a Hubrid?” If the answer is, “What the fuck are you talking about?” I’ll start bagging the next customer real fast so I don’t lose the gig.