ALEX TREBEK: Welcome to our three most recent Presidents, from right to left in reverse chronological order of their service: Donald Trump, Barak Obama and George W. Bush. Good luck to you all in our first round of Presidential Jeopardy. The categories to start us off are: American History, Holidays, Africa, and Westerns. And, as always, remember that all answers should be in the form of a question. President Bush, you go first, sir.
TRUMP: I’m the President, I’ll go first, Westerns for…
TREBEK: No, sir, you do not go first. Go ahead, President Bush.
TRUMP: He’s not a president! Trebek, Steven Miller told me you’re here on a Cannuckian visa?
TREBEK: No, I am a naturalized US citizen now.
TRUMP: We’ll see. Let’s see how it all plays out.
TREBEK: I will ask you to be quiet sir.
TRUMP: No, you be quiet, Cannuckian!
TREBEK: Please start us off, Mr. Bush.
BUSH: Westerns for $1,000, Alex.
TREBEK: These three brothers fought the Clanton Gang in the Gunfight at the OK Corral… (DING!) President Trump?
TREBEK: Your answer?
TRUMP: How should I know. Ridiculous question.
TREBEK: You pressed the buzzer. I need a correct response or points will be deducted.
TRUMP: Leakin’ Jim Comey and the Conflicted Robert Mueller. They were lovers you know, they were in so many pictures together, so that’s closer than brothers.
TREBEK: That is a nonsensical answer, sir.
TRUMP (Scowling at Trebek): Loser.
(DING!) TREBEK: President Bush?
BUSH: Who were Matt Dillon and Bat Masterson?
TREBEK: No, we are going for three brothers here. (DING!) President Obama?
OBAMA: Who were the Wyatt Brothers?
TREBEK: No, we can’t accept that. It’s the Earp Brothers. So you’re all at negative $1,000. President Bush, pick again.
BUSH: Alex, let’s try Westerns for $800.
TREBEK: All right. This should be easier. Doc Holliday was a friend of this famous lawman who had two brothers at the OK Corral.
Trump wanders in front of Obama and Bush, obscuring their view of the question.
TREBEK: (DING!) President Bush?
BUSH: Who was J. Edgar Hoover?
TREBEK: No. (DING!) President Trump?
TREBEK: You pressed your buzzer again. What is your response, sir?
TRUMP: Yeah, it’s one of the 18 Angry Democrat pals of conflicted Robert Mueller.
TREBEK: No. President Obama?…Sorry, time’s up. Wyatt Earp was the correct answer. We thought you folks would get that one in light of the previous question. Oh well. President Obama, by virtue of your silence on that question, you are now in the lead at negative $1,000. President Bush, pick once again.
BUSH: Holidays for $200, Alex.
TREBEK: All right, this holiday dates to an armistice that occurred on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month…(DING!) President Bush?
BUSH: What is 9/11?
TREBEK: No…(DING!) President Trump?
TRUMP: Inauguration Day. Mine had the greatest crowds of all time I’m told.
TREBEK: No. And in the future please present your answer in the form of a question.
TRUMP: That doesn’t make sense. (Scrunches face at camera) Why would an answer be a question? This guy’s a weirdo.
TREBEK: (DING!) President Obama?
OBAMA: What is Armistice Day, which was renamed Veteran’s Day in 1954 to recognize the sacrifices of not only the Great War but of World War Two and the Korean War as well, which has now unfortunately expanded to include veterans of Vietnam…
TREBEK: All right, that’s enough, thank you. Pick a category.
TRUMP (Leaning into the microphone): He’s a show-off and it was also a fake question.
OBAMA: Africa for $200, please.
TRUMP: Africa? Are you kidding me? Oh, this is rigged all right.
TREBEK: This country has the world’s largest pyramid…(DING!) President Trump?
TRUMP: Bernie Madoff! (Looking smug) Largest pyramid scheme ever.
TREBEK: No, I said “pyramid” not “pyramid scheme” and besides we are looking for an African country.
TRUMP: Not fair. He’s an African. Rigged.
TREBEK: Anyone else? (DING!) Yes, President Bush. Remember we’re looking for a country here.
BUSH: What is a Ponzi scheme?
TREBEK: No! (DING!) President Obama?
OBAMA: What is Kemet, the original name used by the ancient Egyptians, which means “black land,” so named for the dark soil along the Nile River in the northern…
TREBEK: No, I’m sorry, we can’t accept Kemet.
TRUMP: What does Kismet have to do with pyramid schemes? This is all rigged.
TREBEK: President Obama, please proceed again.
OBAMA: American History for $200.
TREBEK: This June 1944 invasion turned the tide of a war that lasted 6 years…(DING!) President Trump?
TRUMP: Saving Private Ryan.
TREBEK: No. (DING!) President Bush?
BUSH: Who was Hitler?
TRUMP: Normandy Battle!
TREBEK: No. Mr. Trump, you’ve had your turn, so I will ask you to be quiet, please. (DING!) President Obama?
OBAMA: What was World War Two, also known as The Second World War which…”
TREBEK: Yes, yes, all right, let’s…
BUSH: Alex, I’d like to amend an earlier question if I may, to “What was Hitler’s War?”
TREBEK: I’m sorry, President Bush, that’s not possible. And now because of the constant interruptions and long answers, we’ve come to our break…At present, everyone is in negative territory.
TREBEK (Standing near Bush podium): Let’s get to know our contestants a little. President Bush, I understand you spend your time painting?
BUSH: That’s right, Alex. Oil-based. But I paint on canvasses, not on barns (laughs).
TREBEK: Very impressive. Moving on to President Obama, is it true that you read two books a day now that you’re retired.
OBAMA: Yes, on a slow day, Alex.
TREBEK: Wow, that’s a lot of reading! Now finally, President Trump, I’m told you’ve sexually assaulted 19 women – do you want to tell us a little about that?
TRUMP: Those women are all losers. Have you ever looked at them? Dogs, every one of them. I had to beat them away from my love pump with a stick. Not my type.
TREBEK: All right, enough chit chat…Now let’s play Double Jeopardy. The categories here are Hit Songs, Famous Buildings, and Paintings. Presidents Trump and Bush, you both stand at negative $2,600, so once again, President Bush goes first.
TRUMP: How come my election victory isn’t a category? You had Africa for the African, now I see Paintings up there, obviously favoring dumb Bush, but what about me? This is a fake game!
TREBEK: Let’s move on. President Bush?
BUSH: Paintings for a thousand, Alex.
TREBEK: All right, here is the answer: A relative of Whistler is depicted in this painting… (DING!) President Bush?
BUSH: Who is Whistler’s Mama?
TREBEK: We’ll accept that. You and Barack are now tied at negative $800. Go again.
BUSH: Famous buildings for $200.
TREBEK: This building on 5th Avenue…
TRUMP: Trump Tower!
TREBEK: Sir, you cannot just blurt out an answer without pressing the buzzer first and you cannot speak until called upon and moreover, you have to wait until I finish talking!
TRUMP: Trump Tower is on 5th Avenue, most famous building in the world people say. That’s what they tell me.
TREBEK (Talking over Trump): I’ll repeat the clue: This building on 5th Avenue was the tallest building in the world when it was completed in 1931. Yes, President Bush.
BUSH: The Waldorf Astoria.
TREBEK: Good God, no. President Obama, help us out here.
OBAMA: What is The Chrysler Building?
TREBEK (Sighing): No. Moving on…Wait, I’m told we’re out of time. And all three of you have failed to accumulate any money to wager in Final Jeopardy. When that happens, we provide you each with $2,000. So when we return, the category will be: Presidents of the United States.
TREBEK: All right, we’re back. Here is your answer: This President was the longest serving. Please write your answer on the tablet and the amount you are wagering.
As seconds pass, Trump cranes his neck to peek at what Obama’s writing. Discrete at first but then is shoulder to shoulder with Obama as he peers down but Obama shields his answer.
TREBEK: All right let’s see how we did.
BUSH Displays Tablet: Wagered $2,000. Answer: Who was Ronald Reagan?
TREBEK: No, sorry. President Obama?
OBAMA Displays Tablet: Wagered $2,000. Answer: Who was FDR?
TREBEK: Oh, I’m sorry, we can’t accept initials only. President Trump?
TRUMP Displays Tablet: Wagered $2,000. Answer: Donald J. Trump.
TRUMP: I ain’t leaving, folks!
ICE Agents swarm stage.
TRUMP (Pointing to Trebek): Yeah, take him. Smart ass!
TREBEK: I’m a citizen since 1997!
Obama and Bush attempt to intercede with ICE Agents.
TRUMP (Smirking): That’s what happens when Cannuckians play games with me! (Waves to more ICE Agents entering stage) You guys! Yeah, you! Arrest those two guys (pointing at Obama and Bush) and check their IDs, especially the nigger. OK, let’s bring out Vlad and Rocket Man for Dictator Jeopardy.
This has been a Joe Enright Production.
“When you’re right, you’re right, but when you’re always right, you’re Enright.”